The Secret of Love: I found it inside a Dove dark chocolate heart (February 17 2008)

So I was sitting around with my wife watching some Stargate SG-1 (yes, I am a Sci-Fi nerd) and munching some Dove chocolate hearts that we were given by our friends. This was some exceptionally good chocolate. I think I am going to convert over to the dark side, of chocolate that is. Anyway, that is not the point. Well, I guess in a way it is the point. If any of you are like me and have been munching those little Dove chocolate hearts, you know that you can’t help but read the clever little sayings on the inside of the wrapper. Now these sayings aren’t like the ones you would find on those candy hearts, you know, catchy valentines Day sayings like “Be Mine” and “U R Special.” Oh no, Dove takes things a step further. Seeing as the chocolate is in the shape of a heart, they are of course about love. Or so they want you to think. After painstakingly analyzing these seemingly innocent statements, I have interpreted their true meaning, which I pass on to you now so that you may be prepared just in case the “Dove Man” comes for you. Remember, the best defense is a good offense. The original Dove comments are in italics, with my comments following in normal text.

Share a secret; prove that you are untrustworthy.

Trust with your heart, not with your head; What would common sense know anyway

Sleep under the stars tonight; hypothermia is only temporary

Listen with your heart, what would your foot know about love

Hold hands firmly, hearts gently; hearts don't have bones so they break easier

Remember your first crush; Wasn’t 2nd grade wonderful?

A gentle touch speaks volumes; but so does a slap in the face

Savor small romantic moments; The big ones are tend to be bitter

Be your own Valentine; Life’s cheaper that way

Discover how much your heart can hold; I’m betting on 4 ounces

Hug someone today; It is only a crime if you are at the high school

Chocolate always loves you back; it’s called heartburn.

Anyway, these are just my impressions about the little sayings on the inside of Dove chocolate hearts. I am looking forward to Friday when they go on sale and I can buy 10lbs of them.